Why I Believe I Will Never Marry

I believe I will never marry, because I know too much about the human conditions; through my research, my observations, my conclusions about the human condition, I believe marriage is not the romanticized ideal we think.

I believe in being extremely romantic and sappy. I believe passion, chemistry, connection, commitment, and intellectual curiosity are the most important bonds that hold a relationship together.I believe in falling in love with someone’s mind, not someone’s physical appearance.

I believe in finding unconventional ways to fall in love with each other (that are not just dinner and a movie every Friday night)–to send classical love letters, to read books together and discuss big life philosophies, to see each other in irregular situations, to dedicate songs and to create long-lasting inside jokes. I believe you can fall in love with someone based on their stories, by observing their other relationships, through their friends and family.

I believe love should be unexpected, sweep you off your feet, and occupy your mind to the extent that you cannot focus on anything else. I believe it should cause to you re-frame your thinking, shift your lifestyle for the better, introduce you to new thrilling experiences and new enlightening topics. I believe love should cause you to do things outside of your comfort zone that are good for you, make you giggle and act like a little kid, and love should be incredibly heart wrenching to leave each other, and that the moments you are apart make the moments you are together that much more meaningful. And, I believe these are ideals that are not rooted in reality.

I believe that people are corrupt. By nature, we are selfish. We lie, we cheat. We are competitive and manipulative. We repress, we don’t confront, even though we have so many issues. We avoid any potentially damaging blows to our self concept. We are driven by jealousy and insecurities.

I believe that it is a privilege to be in my inner circle. I am a loyal friend, I think about the world in a unique way, I have a lot to offer you. I don’t let too many in, but if you are given that special token, I have high expectations for you. And, because I believe people are corrupt, selfish, manipulative, jealous,  I don’t believe anyone can actually hold up to these standards.

I believe in keeping love sacred. As Dorian Gray says, “When I like people immensely, I never tell their names to anyone. It is like surrendering part of them. I have grown to love secrecy”. I believe, by exposing yourself to too many people, by engaging in too many frivolous relationships, by creating those ‘special’ bonds with multiple people, you lose the purity and the excitement of the real thing, much like listening to a good song over and over and over again. But, I also believe in experiential learning, and that we must meet many different kinds of people, go through many different experiences, try different relationships, to figure out what fits us best.

I believe, however, that I must hold myself to high standards as well. If I am critical of humans in this way, I better make sure I do everything in my power to not be motivated by selfishness, by greed, by jealousy. I believe I have an extreme moral obligation in this world, as an educator, a coach, a role model, to live up to the same expectations I have for my students, my dancers, my inner circle.

I believe living up to these high moral standards is tough work. I believe it takes cognitive effort, constant reflection, and re-evaluation of the self, a commitment to scrutiny and avoiding defensive reactions. And, while I believe most of it is choice and agency, I also believe there are some people who will unfortunately fall off the wagon, no matter how hard they try.

I believe the moral character of someone is more telling than the types of things they may do. Yes, as a prank, they might steal their friend’s tires while he is at work. Yes, they may decide it will be funny to ask someone to flip you and land on their head. Yes, they might want to use they shotgun scope to watch the neighbors fornicate in the field. Yes, they may make some stupid decisions. But, do they treat people well? Are they there in times of need? Do they mind their manners? Or, are they malicious? Revengeful? Deceitful? Two-faced? Dishonest?

I believe in being traditional and old-fashioned. I believe in raising my future children (except I am not getting married, so maybe they don’t exist?) without video games, without cable television, without social media. They will run and frolic outside, be encouraged to use their imaginations and make their own fun. And, I believe the world is moving away from this ideal, and I may either have to give it up, or accept the sparseness of similarly minded individuals.

I believe I emasculate men, put them in a masculine crisis; they perceive me in one way, realize I am actually another, and start questioning their own masculinity. But, I believe commitment to the self triumphs all and I believe I am not willing to change myself to adhere to these social customs. We can both be masculine and we can both be feminine.

I believe, as humans, we are living in a constant state of suffering. I believe we have the choice to suffer less, but I believe that we are always suffering in some aspect, whether it be through physical modes of starvation, dehydration, fatigue, mental needs, such as anxiety, depression, cognitive dissonance, or emotional stressors, as seen in relationships, friendships, familial ties. And, I believe I have done enough perpetual suffering in my short 24 years.

I believe in a strong commitment to the self. I believe, at the end of the day, society will continue on, but I have to answer to myself. I do not believe in changing myself, in engaging in artificial behaviors just to fit into the group. I believe I once sacrificed myself to play many unnatural roles, and now that I know what it feels like to be free from those constraints, I believe I never want to go back.

I believe this incongruity has put me in a crisis, where I am forced to choose between abandoning my sense of self to adhere to social norms and reality.  But then again, I believe that I am always in a crisis and that through crisis, we learn, we grow, we progress.

I believe I will never marry because I have observed, experienced, and reflected on all the pain relationships bring. I believe I have over-analyzed it. And, while I constantly exist in these modes of emotions, I believe I am not willing to sacrifice the self to enter this realm of suffering and corruptness.

I believe I am not willing to give up my romanticized ideal of love and marriage.

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