I Hate Dating (Part II)

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In case you were wondering, I still hate dating. (You can check out Part I here).

I hate how much time dating seems to suck out of your life. It usually goes like this: you meet someone. Then, you spend the next day, telling all your friends about him, deciding if you like him or not (this generally takes about five hours out of your day). If you decide you like him, you have to then spend time, figuring out how you are going to respond if he asks you out on a date. You sit anxiously by your phone, awaiting his call/text message/SnapChat. And, if you decide you don’t like him, then you still have to spend time, figuring out how you are going to reject him if he asks you out on a date. This probably takes at least another hour out of your day. And, since social rules say he can’t contact you for three days upon meeting each other, you spend the next two days, ruminating about your decision. And, when day three comes, there is a good potential that he isn’t going to contact you at all, and you just wasted three whole days trying to figure out if you want to go on a date with him or not that might not actually even happen.

I hate how awkward everything is. Traditionally, he takes you to dinner. Except that, since your attention is transfixed on each other, you know that he is watching every one of your moves. You are self conscious about every bite that you are eating. You nervously pull up (or down, if that is the kind of dater you are) your shirt, because you think he is staring at your chest. You think you feel something stuck in your teeth, but don’t want to get up to go to the bathroom to check. You aren’t sure if you should order a hamburger (what you are REALLY craving), because that might be messy, but then again, what does it say about your eating habits if you just nibble on a salad? I think I am going to start requesting all my dates take place at the dog park. That would cover a lot of bases: first of all, I can see how he interacts with dogs, which gives me an indication of what kind of father he will be, I don’t have to dress up because it’s dirty anyways, if the conversation gets awkward, I can always pick a dog to pet, and another owner to converse with, and if he turns out to be some creepo, I always have witnesses.

Dating ruins friendships. It ruins your friendships with your friends who tried to set you up; they feel personally offended when you decide you don’t like him. It ruins your friendships with other guys that you might potentially want to date. Anytime I go to the bar, I am really careful about who I make eye contact with, because once you get tagged by one type of guy, it scares everyone else away, and only those of the same category count you as potential bait. For some reason, I tend to get tagged by the 75 and older group; as soon as one of them starts talking to me, I know I am not meeting Prince Charming that night, and I will be plagued by old guys trying to buy me drinks and ask me to dance.

It ruins your friendships with the guy. As soon as he says, “I would really like to hang out with you sometime, alone”, it’s over. Once you know he likes you, you will never be able to think of him in the same way again. Suddenly, all of your interactions with each other mean something different. That time he gave you “batting practice”? Yup, that was not for the benefit of the team–it was so he could smell the sweet remnants of your shampoo on your hair. That time he offered to pick you and your room mates up from the bar? Yup, that was not him being nice–he was hoping to get an extended offer to stay over and “make sure you are ok”. And, that time he included a picture of his body in his SnapChat story? Yup–that was for you to oogle over (on that note, I am always skeptical whenever a picture message comes through my phone from a guy. You just never know what you are going to get, and some things can’t be unseen). And, dating especially ruins friendships when it turns out the guy you are dating once dated your best friend’s sister’s cousin-in-law.

I also get so tired of answering and asking the same surface level questions over and over again. Instead of asking, “What do you do for a living?” and “How many siblings do you have?”, I think I am going to start asking questions like, “Do you support Germany or Greece in the debt crisis?”, “If you were stranded on a desert island, would you rather die by a dinosaur eating you or contracting Ebola?”, “What was the most amount of gingers you saw in one place?” You know, to spice up the night a little bit, speed up this ‘getting to know you process’.

I hate how confused dating makes me. It never happens that I meet one person at a time and we fall madly in love and everything works out perfectly. I usually hit a dating dry spell for 100 months, where I meet NOBODY, and then suddenly, I meet like five different people, and I am so confused as to which one I like best. My whole life, I think I want to marry someone who can cook (because I can’t), or I am pretty sure I want a blonde, and then I meet a cute red head, or I think I want someone who drives a truck, and I meet someone who drives a Subaru, and then I meet someone who also doesn’t cook, but I still kind of like him, and I get confused and am spun into an identity crisis and I start questioning everything I once knew about myself, and start thinking that I must have attachment problems, and I should probably go to a counselor or something to help me find myself again because I am so confused (and then it usually ends up that I don’t like any of them anyways, and I go back to the dry spell).

And, I especially hate that dating turns you into a bitch. I hate, hate, hate having to reject people, because I know how it feels to be rejected, but sometimes it is absolutely necessary. For example, you might be really into someone, and then, they start talking about their ex-girlfriend, and you sense that they aren’t quite over that person yet. It’s really not fair for me to continue leading you on when you need to spend some time healing and being single, and while I know you are suffering, and bored, and lonely, and I wish I could be your go-to person, I can’t, because that’s not fair to you, because I know you are in a vulnerable position. So, (again), I spend an entire day trying to figure out how to reject you. I reject you, I feel like a horrible person, and I know you think I am a bitch, and tell all of your friends what a terrible person I am, but sometimes, for the betterment of mankind, it has to be done. And, once I reject you, we can probably never hang out again, because dating ruins friendships.

I hate dating.

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