Top Reasons You Probably Got Rejected

Friday’s post, When You Reach the End of Your Dating Rope, seemed to spark some conversation, so today I’m going to elaborate further on the top reasons you probably got rejected. And, since I’m clearly at the end of my dating rope, I have no shame in sharing these reasons. Plus, I’ve been immersed in Tina Fey’s Bossypants, so I’m feeling quite sassy myself (and I’m also super jazzed on coffee).

First of all, I need to premise this post with more of my dad’s infinite wisdom. As most of you other single people can probably relate, non-single people are always pressuring you into finding a boyfriend and treating you like there is something wrong with you if you don’t have a significant other. Maybe in Scarlett O’Hara’s time this is true, because if you are 26 and still not wed, there’s a good chance you are dying at 35 anyways, and no one wants to raise a child on their own, but in today’s society, the fact that I am 26 and still single means nothing. I mean, I’m still single because I blast this all over my blog and I still call my dad four times a day, but hopefully that’s not your issue too. As my dad always says, “Britany, don’t let society dictate what you should do. Ride it out, Britany. Ride it out as long as you possibly can”. Thanks dad for giving me permission to continue to be oppositional-defiant. So, if you got rejected, these are the top five reasons that probably happened:

5.You have NO sense of humor: Bart Simpson once said, “You know, you would think living in a house with a bunch of crazy people would be fun but it’s not. It’s actually kind of depressing”. I’ve faced a good amount of tragedy and emotional trauma in my life and have been forced to develop a sense of humor. For example, it might be traumatizing to some people that the only way we would get along for Christmas dinner was to drag all of our presents into Country Buffet, but rather than focus on how the broken ice cream machine looked like it kept dropping cow pies on the drain. Or, when we tell the story of my grandpa’s death, no one really shares how sad we really were, but rather how my aunt sat blubbering at the airport because Frontier delayed her luggage, how my sister turned the corner and said, “Ug grandpa is turning funny colors”, and how we all thought he came back to haunt grandma when she called us and said, “Well, grandpa came back to me today”. Thanks to modern medicine, good genes, and some yoga, I really hope to live until I am 90 and it would be really tragic to be with someone who doesn’t laugh at me. Like, I expect at least a little chuckle when I come home and tell you that I bribed my dance team with carrots at practice, or when discussing the syllabus, I asked my students to please pencil in, “Shower regularly” as part of our course requirements (Ok I’m kind of serious on that one).

4.You haven’t yet asked me about myself: You can really tell a lot about a person based on the kinds of stories they tell, and how they position themselves in those stories. Are all their stories about how much iron they pumped at the gym this morning? Do they want to talk about how much money they are making?  Do their stories revolve around their dog? (you would get put in the ‘potential bait’ category for this one). I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve met, and all they do is talk about themselves, and never once have they asked me about what I do, where I’m from, what my opinion on what we should teach in schools should be. Like, this one guy totally dug himself in a hole when he started telling me he thinks teachers are lazy, good for nothing, and students only retain about 25% of what we teach them so we don’t deserve to get paid like professionals. Had he spent some time investigating, he probably would have kept his mouth shut but now I have a wound so, so deep that I can never interact with him again (he definitely got ghosted).

I also really hate it when people talk down to me. Like, listen dude, I’m actually pretty intelligent and when you talk to me about the Greek Euro Debt Crisis, I do actually know what you are talking about (I even wrote a paper on it), and if you would have just asked me, “Have you been following the news?”, you would have been able to gauge my interest level in it (HIGH), and you would not have seemed like such an idiot when you misquoted Angela Merkel. But hey, I’m assuming this is how you are in your everyday life (arrogant and demeaning), so you get rejected. Sorry. I’m going to be the crazy cat lady soon, I don’t really have time to be handing out second and third chances, so you better impress me from the get go.

3.Your life still seems like a hot mess: Ok, so my life was once a BIG HOT MESS. It’s plastered all over my blog. I was even dumped because my life was such a BIG HOT MESS. But now, I got a few things figured out. I’ve been at my job for a few years, fixed some childhood wounds, saved a few dollars in my bank account. So, when you call me on our first official “phone conversation” and start dumping this stuff about all your issues with your dad’s new wife, how you are regretting not going to college, you have a bad habit of buying Chick Fil A for lunch and are now in debt, your ex girlfriend cheated on you and you are still so heart broken over that, you have all these body image issues, etc. etc., I’ll probably just send you my book or suggest you go see a counselor. Again, I’m not judging because I was totally there once too, and I completely understand what you are going through, but we are just not in the same stage of life.

2.You aren’t playing the dating game: If you are a regular follower, you will know that I am very traditional. I am pretty down to earth, but you got to try just a little. Like, if you show up to a date in a dirty ninja turtles t-shirt, I might have to pass. I like the guy to open my door for me, be affirmative and make date night plans, not text me too much. Right, you ask me on a date, I look pretty and engage you in conversation, you text me when I get home to say, “I had a great time”, and we move forward. I don’t really like this wishy-washy text message, “hey want 2 hang out 2nite?” (ok, that one automatically gets rejected because if you asked questions about me, you would know that I am an English teacher and there are SO many grammatical issues with that message, I cringed as I typed it). I don’t like it when you text me incessantly when I haven’t responded. I’m busy, I’ve established a life and routine absent of you, so you need to be patient, and if I sense you being desperate, too needy, then I already know its not going to work because I’m introverted and will eventually need time alone, and what will probably eventually happen is, I will be out at my yoga class, not thinking about you, you will be sitting at home, thinking about me, and that’s just not a fair balance for either of us.

1. I’m not a piece of meat: Ok so let’s address this cultural phenomenon of “grinding”. I don’t know who invented it, but it is gross, and the only point it serves is to get some testosterone flowing that I’m obviously not taking care of. “Grinding” serves me NO purpose, because honestly, most guys have NO rhythm and I really enjoy flapping my wings around the dance floor, moving my arms in whichever way I want, changing my beat whenever I want, and when there is someone behind me, that inhibits my free will.

But other than the dance floor, I’m happy to dress up and straighten my hair so that you can show me off to your friends, but that can’t be the only reason you want to cart me around. There’s more to me than just dashingly good looks, and unfortunately/fortunately, when you hit 25, everything goes downhill (literally)–grey hair, you gain weight in places you never had before, wrinkles start appearing, etc. etc. (and I also hear things SIGNIFICANTLY go downhill once you have kids) and we are going to have a long road ahead of us, so you better find some other things you like about me and not just think I’m some trophy.

…my sister says I’m looking for a Unicorn, but hopefully I’m someone else’s Unicorn too.

And, also, sorry


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