Questions I Wish It Were Socially Acceptable to Ask Someone on a First Date.

The dating timelines kind of goes like this: meet someone, have a pleasant conversation about their life, decide they are worth investing some energy in, hang out and have a few more pleasant conversations with them, until one day, ten months later, they make some kind of comment that wounds you so, so deeply that you wish you would have known at the beginning, so that you didn’t waste your time. Of course, when we are on first dates, we are always on our best behavior; we don’t cuss, we actually take showers, and we share only the most wonderful part of our personalities so that we can bait them, and by ten months in, they are far too committed to reject any of our bad tendencies. I don’t know about you, but I really don’t have a lot of time to be dumping ten months into relationships to find out they are some kind of raging bro-ny later on, and I think it would make dating MUCH more effective if we were allowed to ask the following questions right off the bat:

1.What is your credit score?: It is socially unacceptable to ask people how much money they make, but I feel like asking about their credit score is a completely different question.  My credit score recently gained a few points, and I have dreams of living in a nice house someday, driving a nice car, and I really want to make sure that you fit my lifestyle. Besides financial reasons, having a decent credit score means that you are conscientious, forward-thinking, balanced, etc. If companies are allowed to ask future employees upon hiring, why can’t I?

2.Would you go to pre-martial counseling? Hey, I’m not saying that WE are going to make it to pre-marital counseling, but just in general–are you willing to go? They say the two most common reasons people get divorced is (a) raising kids and (b) finances, mainly because, it is within these two institutions that you realize you have very, very different views, and because these discrepancies often occur at stressful times, you don’t think to “consider the other’s viewpoint”. If you say, “Absolutely not, counseling is only for those who have problems, and I have none”, then certainly one issue you are obviously facing is arrogance, and I don’t like that either. All of my friends who have done pre-engagement or pre-martial counseling have the strongest, most successful, happiest marriages, and I certainly want that for myself someday.

3.Are you a Trump supporter? I’m not going to discount you right away if you voted for Trump, because I certainly think there were many valid and logical reasons people voted for Trump: they can’t support Hillary’s lies, they feel the Democratic party is broken and believe we need a change, they only vote Republican. But, if you voted for Trump because you truly believed in him as being the next President of the United States, and you support what he stands for, then I would say we should end this conversation ASAP before we waste anymore time.

4.Can you cook? Yeah, I can’t cook. For Halloween, I dressed up as a housewife, and went to make cookies for part of my costume. I gathered the ingredients, stood at the Kitchen Aid mixer, and realized I didn’t even know how to turn it on. Not that not being able to cook is a deal breaker, but hopefully, if you can’t cook, you also have a great credit score, and enough money so we can discuss in our pre-martial counseling the idea of hiring a personal chef.

5.How close are you to your mom? Mom’s and their sons always have really interested relationships with each other, especially if the son is the youngest, or the only one. I see this happening with my own brother, and again, not that a close mother-son relationship is a deal breaker, but if we are going to have some problems cutting the apron strings, I’d like to know as soon as possible so that I can prepare myself for that awkward Christmas dinner or passive aggressive text message now.

6.What will it be like when we break up? Part of being in a relationship is learning about the other person–learning about what makes them happy, what makes them sad, what makes them angry, how they react when they are stressed. And, you never really know these things about a person until you are put in those situations, such as when you break up with someone. Part of the emotional turmoil when going through a break up includes, “Will they contact me?”, “Are they sad?”, “Will we try to get back together?”, and I feel like, knowing some of these things ahead of time would be really beneficial. Should I expect you to blow up social media about it? Will I get death threats from your friends? Will you stalk me outside of ky window? For example, if we break up, we probably aren’t ever talking again; I don’t really see the point in continuing a relationship that isn’t going anywhere, so if I do call or follow up with you, it’s not because I’m heartless, and that I don’t care. I’m probably going through the same things you are, but I just see no point in continuing to feed something that obviously isn’t going anywhere.

7.Why exactly are you still single?… I can’t really judge too much, because I’m still totally single as well, but before things get too, too deep (you know, into date two), I’d like to know what’s going on with you. Are you still single because… once dated a girl who broke your heart and you haven’t recovered yet from?…..Are you still single because…you have high morals and values and you don’t feel like anyone you’ve met thus far has achieved your expectations?….Are you still single because…you are a big player and you have already dated all the girls from here to Timbuktu?

8.Do you have any crazy ex girlfriends I should be aware of? Nothing would be worse than sitting on a first date and having his crazy ex girlfriend walk in the door, throw something at you, and then start posting stuff all over social media. Thankfully, this has never happened to me, but I’m sure it has happened to someone else. Going back to Question #7–if I were to ask you why you are still single, and then it turns out, you just broke up with a girl last week, there is a good chance that she is jealous and stalking me, and maybe that would explain why you keep jumping every time the door opens?

9.What kind of emotional baggage are we looking at here? Again, I totally have my own slew of emotional baggage, so I’m not discounting whatever you are bringing along. And this conversation doesn’t need to be really deep. It can just be a quick little drop of, “I’m still getting over my ex girlfriend who cheated on me”, or, “I’m trying to find myself after losing my job”, or, “I had to take a few months off work to go to treatment”, or even, “I’m still struggling to understand the good in my diagnosis”, and as we talk more, you can reveal more information and I won’t probe too much right now, but it would be nice if I could ask from the very beginning what kind of baggage you have, just so I can decide if it matches my kind of baggage.

(Or, like in Twlight, um, knowing Edward was a Vampire might be good information)

10.How often do you brush your teeth? I brush mine at least 4 times a day.

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